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Monday, 31 December 2018


A lot of character come to our noble gathering, I call them character even though they are the same family that gathers every year; they still pull a show yearly, bringing different drama to the table. My silly uncle David last year got a cute model pregnant and named the child after his wife, this year, his wife discovered that each of their children was named after his girlfriends in his hay days as a gigolo. My aunt Sleeq is a citizen of six countries by marriage as she married six different white men, the crazy side of it all is that, she is engaged to her longtime boo from the Univerisity, Bros Sege amidst all her marital escapades. Bros Segun is a regular face at our new year family reunion since I was 10, that is about eight years ago, hoping to one day wife my crazy aunt, he does the barbecue every year, poor bearded guy. Aunt Bolaji is another drama to behold, she came to the reunion two years ago as a Muslim convert, last year as Jehovah Witness evangelist and this year, she is all traditional, she's been talking deeply about this Orunmila diety, I think she is now a convert in that realm, so weird. My Uncle Utibe, a singer, a gospel one at that; the child my grandma never seize to hype at every slightest opportunity, he is a radical evangelist, known far and wide in the Christian music dorm, he, last year declared to everyone that he is now gay, the shock was still on but got worse this year, when he came back with his gay lover, one fine nerd looking, doctor, he calls Victor. My grandma is still casting and binding the demon out of him.

My favorite uncle, the one I really want to be like, he apparently is the reason my we have a large family, he own a train of baby mothers who are at peace with him,  no official wife and no intention of getting one, my dear uncle Damien, he sings too, the devil's song as my grandma tag it. Of his eight baby mamas; I love four dearly not because they are with him but because I hope to one day tap the ass. They are drop dead gorgeous! Damn! I think his line of work exposed him strictly to beautiful women, long list ranging from my favorite, Temi, dark-skinned full boobs peng bae, she was so hot; my uncle Damien hit twice, she bore him two adorable girls. The mother of the first boy, Eny, she is torture to my world of blues, a body that will arouse the gods and a voice that will calm a storm, she owns a poise that will aid whatever sexual tension you think you have. My third fav Tolu, I don't understand how my hothead uncle landed a lady of her type, my grandma loves her to a fault, she is who my granny hope my uncle will settle with, she is beautiful, smart with a legendary business acumen, despite all these smart traits; she fell for my uncle's wiles, opened her leg and voila, a baby boy came outta the venture, my uncle is a god, don't you think? She still comes around on the request of my grandma, whether my uncle still taps that ass or not; I cannot tell. My last fav and most current baby mama is Bola Smallz, Y'all may know her the owner of one of the biggest nightlife empire in Abuja, damn all that; I know as a stat to the piece of sporadic genital of my uncle Damien, the short, curvy and light skinned lady have my uncle on lockdown right now, she is the most current and headliner, the latest barbie in the store, she is pregnant with twins, it is a wild buzz in the family, I learned my uncle promise to marry her if both children are boys. Playboy move as always! This was the thing she told Aunt Mo, except that one was smart enough to scamper after seeing the dynasty of reproduction my uncle own. All these said, I still want to be him when I grow up.

I have few other no-good uncles, my uncle Kiigbe is an internet scammer who defrauded a bank, was caught and jailed, he came out and is now into cigarette production, most of which he sells to inmates in prisons nationwide, how is that for business acumen. I won't forget to mention my uncle Opus, he is a pastor, runs a ministry, quite successful and popular, his ministry is an all women ministry with only him as the man, unlike my uncle Damien, Uncle Opus married all  his baby mothers, many of which are from his fruitful ministry, I read in the news that he is having problem satisfying them in bed, some news about size of something not long enough to command expected result, his first wife Mbuoti called him out, mad folks I have.

My mom! The one who seems to have it figured out amongst my grandma's kids, a single mother of one (yes, just me), certified businesswoman, all her siblings are financially stable but she seems to be one with a clear conscience money making business empire. She had me  18years ago by the love of her life who ran away and left her to raise a child all alone, she ever since have shut down emotionally and transferred all her love to me and her business, maybe that sped things up for her, her relationship limbo have spanned near two decades, thus it has become an issue at the gathering yearly with same questions of when is she going to love again. The Truth is my mom has been knacking on a low from time. Not different men, just one man who insisted that I call by his name at all time, Mr. Zoza. That dude has been on my mom's ass for years now, they are almost inseparable, it got worse when I clocked 18. It was like my mom was waiting for to just hit 18 and enjoy her rendezvous with her Mr. Zoza.
He has a familiar knock on the door when asked who it is, he replies with a question "his Kemi home?" I know instantly that it is knack time for my pretty mom, so I just laugh when my granny stresses her out on the marriage thing, with a dick she is apparently enjoying being consistent, my mom won't come to that marriage phase, Mr. Zoza is doing a good job.
Image result for happy new year art
This, however, might come to my end as my mom just discovered that Mr. Zoza is the husband to her last sibling, my aunt Wunmi. She is as calm as a dove this year and had warned that I do not engage with him (Mr. Zoza)...

All these are why the family just try as much not to dwell on what is happening and try to enjoy the fun of the moment. Many things are left unsaid. Eat your food, sip your drink, catch the vibe and be merry.

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