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Tuesday, 18 July 2017

Dear Daughter Ends.


I gave you the details of the event with all the juice therein just so you know the best feeling can be wrong.

I would not paint myself the victim, I was not taken advantage of, it was not a rape, it was what I allowed happen, I won't lie; it was not a bad sex; it was great my dear, one of the best I have had.



It was good in the moment but it was a bad idea (as you know some poisons are sweet), one of those things that should not have happened.

I was vulnerble but to my own self, I felt like a whore (a hoe as you call it now), I raped my own self, I was sexually satisfied but the void that was present initially still needed your dad to be filled.

It happened and I still felt lonely, it changed the way I looked at myself, It is hypocrisy to blame the government, your dad or my friend, the one with the issue was me!

I thought if you father get to know; it will be a problem of trust, if he does not; it was be a problem of conscience.

Just imagine, for this few minutes of pleasure, I have lived my most recent life in terror, and guess who the terrorist is; my own self.

I shortlived my happiness, that one decision changed things and the worst was still yet to happen even on that night.

At 4am in the morning, I leaped my way out of the house like a known prostitute, look at me - pure statistics.

I never wanted to see my friend and made sure I blocked any contact of us, ironically; I suddenly was able to wait patiently for your father-something that seemed impossible earlier.

I learnt how to deal with being alone, I simply clinged to memories with your father, I cried sometimes in guilt when I read my own words to your father in my letters.

He was finally reachable and we spoke at length, I became indifferent about his arrival, I did not have anymore of that disgusting state of ethustiasm, I was somewhat scared to meet him.

I needed time to harness well the feminine ability to conceal a secret, I was not prepared in anyway for your father to walk out of my life, our communication got stabilized, he explained his reason for his hiatus.

The outbreak of cholera is the state was alarming and needed him fully on ground, he also mentioned his involvement in a sensitization project, he reassured we were fine in his calls and how he will squeeze out time to make sure he come home that month.

I cried all through these calls, it became a routine that whenever he calls; I will cry. It is something you do not want to go through, it was torture.

On this fateful day at the chamber I work for, a letter reached me from my friend with whom I had the haunting escapade, the news broke me into bits, it stated the reason why he was searching for condoms on that day, he was HIV positive.

He advised also that I check myself and the rest were apologies, how to get myself tested and how he did not plan it to happen the way it did.

I ran out of work that day, I ran home and cried my eyes dry, life instantly became meaningless, that woulda coulda thoughts set in, pure regret! "what have I done?" -  I asked myself standing in front of mirror I later punched out of frustration.

I felt like commiting suicide, the world turned against me, the landphone rang endlessly and this time, it was I that was not picking up. I ran out of tears after about nine hours.

To verify if I was a carrier, I set out to visit Ibadan to meet the specialist after writing to book an appointment as advised my friend in his letter, in those days; you cannot check HIV status easily as it is now..

I traveled to Ibadan as soon as I got a call that confirmed my appointment, I was out of touch with my folks, I did all of these  myself, a news like this will kill my father if he tingle  in his ears, the preparation for the wedding was still going on which why I pleaded on God to make the result negative, I even promised him (God) that I will confess all to your father when I see him.

I got to the Ibadan Hospital, seated in the lobby waiting to be called on, I was shivering, I was not conscious of my surroundings, I was fighting tears, I saw people waiting just like me and it shocked me to see damage HIV has caused.

We were waiting for the doctor was said to be on his way from Ilorin, it was scary, the nurses were ostentatiously nice to us, already treating us as victims, somebody was courageous enough to persuade us to pray.

I keyed strongly into the prayers, I fired the prayers with tears in my eyes, I felt God actually listening to me, I was cold to marrow.

After a while, the nurses began to call us, once anyone enters, they do not come out through the same door, this was so probably so we do not fidget, after two hours, I was called upon.

I stood, even the nurse could discern that I was scared, she looked at me and hugged me, I needed the hug but did not want it, it was pitiful, that pity tortured me.

I went in anyway and sat on the seat in front of the doctor's desk, my heart was literally out of my body, the quotes on the walls were motivational but was not helping me, the doctor was said to have gone to the gent when I was called so I had to wait.

After about twenty minutes; the doctor came in, my head was bowed probably in fear or shame when I heard the very familiar voice, I raised my head and who I saw made me collapse - It was your father.

God really wanted to mess me up - some people did not have it this worse, your father after a nerve wrecking moment conducted the test anyway and I was positive, yeah; I had the disease, the incurable notorious HIV.

He could not show weakness because of the nurses around, I was in something like a trance as I listened to him relay to me in the usual manner how to "live" with HIV.

I saw him fighting the tears, his bags were filled, I could not even cry! It was over, the worst had happened, he even told me I was pregnant, God is not my friend.

Your father drove me to Ilorin where he kept me till the wedding day elapsed with neither of us showing up as he suspected I was suicidal at that time.

News reached me about how much chaos I have caused and the sickness in which I have placed my dad, just one wrong decision caused all these.

Throughout my pregnant cycle (when I was pregnant with you), it was pure tragedy, I have looked forward to that period all my life, it came to me totally from a different and the wrongest channel ever.

How can that which is my dream since childhood be so wrong, It was dysfunctional, I was angry anytime you kicked, I was not sure who your father was at that time.

I was scared you might be HIV positive, If I went through the cycle alone; I am very sure there will be no YOU and probably I will be dead too.

I was devastated, I could not go home, I could not call where I was with your father home, he was on the other hand indifferent, sometimes he is sad, other times he is angry or happy.

He drifts through these moods simultaneously, on worse days; he comes back dead drunk! Just one wrong decision caused all these.

You came 7th July 1995, I did not understand what time and chance was trying to say on that day, why that day?

News traveled fast and in matters of days; large number of family members came to see us (me and you) - it was overwhelming and saddening at the same time.

Overwhelming to see how much they still love and care for me, saddening because it was not how I envisioned, my father showed up too, it was all tears and love, no judgments, forgiveness was in the air for me, though pity was still involved; I was still able to smile and there; I understood I had to learn to forgive myself.

Your father told me on the night of your christening that YOU should be the start of a new life and you will definitely help us see life better.

He was sure you were his for reasons I do not know and for what it is worth; that was a relief.

Medically, I couldn't breastfeed you and do some basic mother to child things, we waited three months and tested you, I on till this day think it was a God ordained miracle that you came out negative, I gave a wild genuine smile that day that somehow really healed me.

I cannot make love to your father, I cannot breastfeed you and I was dying gradually (this was my reality) - I was not a proper fit for the family.

I had to leave so you can face life in the best way you can, I handed you over to your dad and made him promise to take the best care of you, he swore on his life to do just that.

Your father and you left for Lagos when you were a year exactly, I did not cry because I felt I was preventing you both from danger (which I have become), I stopped pitying myself and face life standing tall.

I have been loving you from a distance, I am doing well with life, my HIV/AIDS foundation is doing well, I am trying my very best to make sure the population of people prone to make a mistake of my type decline reasonably, it is high time I tell you my own flesh and blood to take close notes of sensitive times.

My decision cost me being my one true love's wife, it cost me being there for you; I had to watch you grow from a distance (it is something you do not want to go through), my decision made me a fugitive, my decision changed my dreams terribly but Yay! I am here and still making the waves.

Not all of us have that numerous chance to be wrong, some of us have just one, one wrongly made decision and we are done for!

You might have inherited this pattern from me, you might just have that enjoyable life but one and only one chance to 'fuck up", be very careful!

In other news; my friend from the one bad night stand is my soul partner, we are not that as an arrangement of love, we are what we are because we share a struggle.

This letter might be a goodbye for us or a reform to enter each other's lives, either way; I am prepared, just know that I have and will always love you.

Yours forever,
Mom.


BNR

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