Tuesday, 4 July 2017
I revisited the long litany of mails of invitations to events and ceremonies in my email, and I saw quite a lot of them.
I checked for that which suit the energy I needed around me and got one after about three hours.
It was a symposium organized by a body I once worked for- it was about economy betterment through relative policy making.
I saw it as a ground to meet those elite I have longed to see.
I have to travel down to Lagos from Port-harcourt where I reside, the thoughts of traveling created an euphoria within me.
It was two weeks away from the time I saw the mail, and it was also a five day long symposium; the very kind of hiatus that I needed.
I went out shopping for smart, classy and elite wears, and I decided to give myself a treat in the beautiful and very much discussed city called Lagos.
It was not going to be my first time there but this was going to be different, every part of me concurred.
I booked my flight, placed necessary calls to the host to confirm attendance and joy that filled their heart was easy to tell even over the phone.
I opined that if nothing good comes from Lagos; I will be celibate from everything even my own happiness.
Picking the pieces in my relationship by default was my job, and it was just painful to know that a man that I am busy loving is having his own life loved without me.
The reality that my love for him is clouding is the fact that I am a victim!
Matters have degenerated in the bizarre notch as my so called man hardly ever comes home.
Our conversation was more strained by him, he was so full of himself, a man who I will oblige to if he demand that I stop breathing is having the time of his life with me as not on his priority.
Fed up of the craze, I chose to love me at least for the first time in a long time! I was not sure if I could live without the thoughts of Gori but I was at this point willing to try.
I needed an interesting distraction, and I checked my mail for invitations in search of the type that suits the energy I wanted around me.
It was clear that the love between I and Gori wasn't going to thaw anytime soon. Or at least, on my part.
I got what I needed- a mail for a five day symposium as regards policy making to better the economy.
It had attached to it, other activities that caused the five days stretch. As attractive as it was to just jump in my car and make way to the event, I still balked and had the thoughts of Gori overwhelm me again.
Like morning cold, it was too hard too just leave even when he was not around and I do not know where he was and I have not heard from him.
It's like I've been conditioned to always wait for him-part of his emotional slavery, i guess.
It felt so cruel to leave and I don't know where on earth the guilt came from, I felt it all over me. He should always meet me at home, my stupid mind thought.
I decided to do some laundry done- which was my way of getting through awkward and torturing situation as such.
The events turned when I found condoms in the pocket of a man I am dying on the inside for, we do not use condoms, never have!
Tears rolled down my cheeks but it was not this time not as a result of sadness or heartbreak, I was angry.
I was literally peeved to my last skin, wiping the tears was with the decision that I was going to that symposium even if Gori walk through the door at that moment.
I called in to confirm the validity of my invite, and I was glad to hear that I was very much expected.
I went to the mall with my ever willing sisters and had a great shopping time, this was to further cement my decision to go out with myself and for myself.
My sisters as they are known to be, helped me get the best of wears and they did not bother to ask why I was getting them, they were probably glad that I am having a life outside the customary Gori shenanigans.
They were glad to see me in the full fledge Buknor spirit, and we saw good movies and I poured down my throat some good creamie liquor.
Joy began to flow in my heart whenever I remember I will be leaving to live a life for myself for five days. Imagine that. A young unmarried woman. This is what gori bas reduced me to.
I have not done that in while. I began to count down, I was not sure what the hiatus was going to bring but I was glad it was happening at that time it was happening.
Through out the two weeks countdown , I was a different person in the house. The lousy complains of Gori proved that.
I created the boundary he wanted and gave him the space to see only himself in the house.
I never backed out of my duties but I did them at my will unlike the obligatory way I adopted before.
He tried to be nice on some days but I guess one just get tired of enduring, I stole myself out of the unfavorable routine of maltreatment.
I struggled hard with myself not to fall for all he was throwing at me, I did quite well!
I was the poisonous serpent, quiet tiger and the calm dove, he saw me in shades he haven't seen before.
I was not avoiding him and I was not down for his drama either. I began to see myself properly in the light of day!
It was not easy but it was worth it. I loved myself more! On some days; he got home before me, he made dinner which was unusual on one night, he invited me to eat and damn I did.
He began to try to start raising discussions that we last had years I cannot even remember.
I replied in my best feigned kind gesture with smiles as I devour his well prepared meal.
We had sex that night, not because we were getting cool but because of the few shots of vodka with goose splash I had taken earlier in the evening and a wonderful meal that was not prepared by me.
it was only fair to myself to be pampered to the treatment of a good dick, I know and have only one which I just had to go for; my dignity would not let me scan for other available devices.
Probably in the bid to impress me or re-enslave me, Gori did quite a good job that night, with vigour and might, he thrust into me hard, and that is after he has eaten clean my creamie pussy; a treat I had not gotten in a while.
I was so engulfed in fantasy but still maintained a straight face, I do not how, I almost asked him to use one of the condoms he had left but I couldn't jinx the dick so I played cool.
I watched him rummaged my vagina like he was in search of treasure, my very vulverable pussy disregarding what my brain was thinking released juice in floods and in batches.
I moaned softly because I could not help it at a point, I was angry in between because all of the performance he was displaying was as a result of the numerous tours he have been on with several women.
I confirmed Gori was aware something was wrong when he could not ask me to reciprocate the blowjob, I was the bigger one anyway, in my bid to get fucked that night; I went on my knee and gave him the head of his life.
Call me a whore but extreme times call for extreme measures so tune down your judgement.
He could not hold my hair probably because he felt he might ruin his chance of getting the very uncertain pussy.
Despite the minor hiccups; we had a good shag, he delivered, I reached climax so much that I lost count, unlike most recent times; there was effort on that night.
I cannot deny that I enjoyed and was almost swept off my feet again but the thoughts of the condom sent the foolish "me" packing.
The sex simply satisfied me but did not make me happy, it was not curative enough to change my mind neither did his respective gestures.
I was kind enough to inform him about my five days of being way, I did it with a very blustering aura, I sounded like a carefree girlfriend not that seeking to be married lady he was used to.
The D-day finally showed up, and I was so zealous that I waited for my arranged cab at the gate of the house. I felt i was about escaping prison.
Gori was nice enough to stand by me in the wait, he tried to be nice but I cannot tell the authenticity.
It will take more than his latest innivations to get me soft, I needed to feel that I could live my life without Gori's contribution.
The on and off operandi is taking away the best part of my life which is my youth, I do not want to spend my menopausal life thinking of what I should have done and made right for myself.
For the first in time in a long time; the thoughts of loosing Gori was at its worst perfomance.
I fear loosing myself to a very uncertain system. As compelling as it was that I back out the journey and stay with Gori, I still was determined to shake the tree and see what fruit falls!
I managed to hug him when the cab arrived, and I perceived again his cologne that drives me nut and it almost compromised my government but I told myself to have some sense.
I entered the cab with my eye bags filled, I was fighting with it but still did not want to display weakness, my dark rayban glasses did a lot of shielding, and not long after, Gori posted a picture of me on his social media platform... I began to revaluate whether I was doing the right thing!