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Sunday, 5 March 2017

The Change 2

Dear diary..

Its so hard to believe anyone would take interest in me. And want to be my friend. I can't help but suspect that he has an ulterior motive. I saw the look of shock on his face when I told him I'm dumb.

I spoke last in basic school. I stopped trying to speak to anybody. It was a totally wasted effort. I kept to myself and withdrew.. Then gradually, i stopped bothering to talk. It's pointless. Ben did all he could to make me talk, but i just closed up. I pour all my emotions into my songwriting.

"Wow.. I wondered at your silence.." He sat down and we began to talk. Or should I say, he talked and I wrote. We discussed a lot and discovered we have a lot in common, except Music. I don't ever listen to music. It torments me. He told me he'd induct me into music and he made me smile. I was shocked. I smiled.. He asked me why I looked so shocked and I told him I hadn't smiled in a long time.

His dimples winked at me in a self deprecating smile; and like a thunderbolt, i saw how beautiful he is. He has a very cynical eyes.. Bold and hard edged. Crow feet surrounded the edges and gave them an intensely matured look. His nose is broad and flat; the proud African Nose. His lips were perfectly sculpted topped with a cupid bow. A man with a bow on his upper lip.. The upper lips were slightly fuller than the lower. His chin is sharp and his face so angular. He exudes confidence.. Something I can never hope to achieve.

Time flew by and I felt so good. There's someone to talk to. Albeit, through writes. I showed him my art book and we started discussing art again.. I forgot to cut myself this morning.

Fuck me! She's great. Very very knowledgeable. I'm awed by her intelligence. I can't believe she can't talk. I vowed to make her speak again; even if it's the last thing I do. I sported a perpetual hard on in her presence. She's so beautiful and flaming hot; but she doesn't know it. She sat calmly on the bed, while I faced her while sitting on a chair. She had the writing pad and pen on her thighs and I wondered at why she's wearing a clothe covering every part of her body.

She smiled at me again and I felt my heart clench.. Along with my dick. All the blood flew down from my big head to the head down south. I placed my arms on my erection to hide it. At lagos with all the girls, i had no erection; here, I'm getting hard for a girl that's out of bounds! She's tormenting me and yet so oblivious.
She looks so eager and naive. I groaned when my elbows touched my dick; I just wore a sleep pant, so, my dick tented the material. I prayed she doesn't look down. This mamba is poised for action. Fuck. I abruptly stood up and mumbled an excuse. The way she bit her lips is making me go insane. Her lips look so soft and full.. If I don't leave, I might do something I'd regret.

I left her room in a rush. I need to jack off this shit. I entered my room and sat down heavily. I grabbed the body lotion on the bedside table and poured a generous amount into my palms.. I used my left hand to pull out my penis. It was pulsing. I made a fist and wrapped the lotioned hand around myself.. Up down, up down i slowly moved it.. Fuck. I imagined mona on her knees, moaning for me. Swallowing me up.

Deep throating me..
I began to pull my dick harder. I ran my hands through the length and shuddered at the exquisite feeling running up my spine. All I can see is Mona.. Her eyes, lips, ass, body.. Me sinking deep into that body... Fuck. I spurted come all over my stomach. I wasn't near satisfied at all.. Both mind and body yearns for her. Fuck.

I sat heavily on my bed and tears flowed down my eyes.. I'm so useless. He doesn't even want to be my friend. He ran off. He couldn't bear my ugly persona. I just want to die. I didn't even bother to go to the bathroom. I took the blade and cut slashing marks on my hands. I don't care if the scar is beautiful! I'm ugly! They're ugly. I hate me!

I'd accepted early on that I'm alone in the world and nobody wants me; but writing with him filled a deep hole in me. I felt complete. I know it sounds crazy and I've only known him for a morning; but I've never felt this way before. I think it's because I feel it's one sided. Just on my side. No one love me. Maybe i should just dig the blade into my jugular. This only proved how unwanted I am. I'd always wanted to kill myself. But the only thing that held me back is that deep down, i wished I could experience the Love and intense feeling i read in books.. And write. Just once. I just want to be loved. I want to be the centre of someone's world; even if it's just a moment.

I know it's a far fetched wish; but Id always hoped. After all, somebody should even care for the Demon.. Like my father called me- the few times in my life he'd spoken to me.
I held the blade poised on my neck and gently grazed my veins with it. A rush filled me; an intense exhilaration. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

I cleaned up the cum spattered on my chest and took the fastest shower of my life. I pulled on a shirt and changed my pants. I picked up my camera. I need to show her some of my work.. I didn't even bother knocking on her door. I just walked in. I saw her in a strange way. Her profile looked so perfect.. The sun hit her white hair in a beautiful way and her silhouette made me go crazy.

I saw her running fingers on her neck repeatedly. With something looking like red dye covering her arms. She's perfection. The shadows cast by the sun and the contrast between the red on her hands and white of her hair killed me. I raised my camera up and took a picture. I took several snapshots.. And then saw something glint in her fingers. My ice turned to Ice. She's trying to cut her neck! I dropped the camera and rushed to her. She raised up her head and looked at me in a daze. I snatched her hands and gently pried the blade from it.

Another shock hit me. What I thought was red dye is actually blood.. She's bleeding from slashing cuts all over her hand. I looked at her face. She growing pale from losing so much blood. Fuck. My survival instincts kicked in and i had found a way to stem the flow of blood. I cleaned up the wound and bandaged it up. I found a first aid kit in her bathroom drawer.
I gently laid her on the bed.. She dozed off from shock I guess. She's killing me slowly!

I came to and found myself surrounded by a comforting aura. I looked up into the eyes of sithe. I suddenly jerked up and all the memories came crashing.. I looked at my hands and saw them bandaged up. He must have seen the other scars. I could see the question in his eyes..

I scrambled up. I'm sure i looked a mess. He placed his hands on me and gently pulled me back. "Don't rush off.. Stay.." I heard the pleading in his voice and I took a deep breath and obeyed. Anyway, why is he here? I thought he doesn't even want to be my friend and cannot stand my presence?

He gently placed his hands on my chin and I looked up at him.."Talk to me. I want to know you. I want to feel you. Speak from your soul.. I was shocked. I grabbed the note pad and wrote.. "You left in a haste and well.. I thought you couldn't stand my presence and I repulse you.." I saw shock and pain reflect in his eyes. With true remorse.."And that was why you wanted to commit suicide?!" I flinched at his sharp tone and he moderated it.."I had to leave because i remembered a message I had to send. It had nothing to do with you.."

"You're the most imperfectly perfect being I've ever had the pleasure of meeting. I can never do that.." She looked at me in surprise and then smiled.. "Really?" She wrote.. She breathed. Fuck. I can't believe this gem has been under my nose and I didn't notice. "I want to be your friend. I was us to be close.. I want to know all about you, and fill you in about my life in return". She looked at me, so eager and hopeful. My heart clenched.
That marked the beginning of the best thing to ever happen in my life.

In the next few days, we spent virtually all our time together. Ben didn't mind after I told him my intentions were honourable; honourable my foot. I maintained a constant erection around her. I'd go jack off in my room at night. We chatted all through; with her writing insanely fast of course.

She showed me all her writes and I played the songs I sang using her lyrics. She weeped in happiness and said she feels so fulfilled.
I showed her how I played the guiter, how I took my pictures and all the little shii that made me up. I began to forget my days before her. The status quo; Casanova who fucks 2 different women each night, the fame, the high, the glory. I described to her how fake and empty the perfect life of a celebrity is.

She has the most tinkling laughter ever. My week was up and I didn't want to leave. I explained to Ben that I'm totally in love with his sister and I want to stay for longer. I want to marry this woman!

Dear diary,

He's been whom I always wished for; a friend, confidant, support and all in between. He stayed for longer than a week. I told him all about my life. How sad i become; the origin of my cutting and all the stuff that made me up. He was extremely curious about my white hair.

I had cancer at 10 years.. I battled with it for 3 years.. After the drugs and therapy.. My hair began to grow white.. Almost translucent. Although thick and luxurious. My father only spent money. No attention from him; nothing at all. Ben was the only support I had. After I began to get better and the tumors left, my hair turned that color.. The revelation of this made him love me more. He began to plot how he'd take me to different doctors for me to regain my speech; without us being hurt by his celebrity status. He doesn't want me to be hurt by the opinion of others.

He made plans with a doctor overseas and I began therapy.
He proposed to me the day I muttered a word. His name. He totally overwhelmed with happiness. It turned out that my lack of speech was psychological; not a physical disability. My father and brother had no qualms about him taking me. It was like a burden was heaved away from my Fathers head.

The day he proposed; he kissed me for the first time. It was the most magical feeling ever. He led me from the hospital to our hotel room, knelt down, with tears running down his face and said.."Mona, will you be my wife?" I felt like I was hit with a freight train. This magnificent man wants me to be his wife? I felt joy unfurl deep in me and If I died at that moment, I'd be complete. I looked into his eyes and saw sincerity and pure love shine in them. He wants me. He loves me. He told me he swore off other women the moment he laid eyes on me. I made his life complete. He wants our kids. I'd never felt this before.

Ever since I met him; I'd stopped cutting. He wouldn't allow it. When the withdrawal hit and my emotions roiled from anger and depression; he was there to hold me down and ground me. He gently coaxed me out of depression and became my therapist.

My scars faded and he always said they were "His badge of love for me" i never understood what he meant by that. He'd kissed them while we listened to our music. He developed the habit of reading because of me and we use to read together. Whoever finished first became a competition. We planned a shot gun wedding. We'd just elope and marry. Telling nobody. Everything was perfect.. But trust me; I was waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I'd started feeling sick and woozy. And tired. Even if I did nothing. I put up a brave front for sithe but I knew I needed to go to the hospital and confirm what I suspect.

After I proposed to her; i felt insanely blessed. My life before didn't matter. She accepted me without qualms. I was high on the craze of love. I have her. No body intruded from the outside. We built our little cocoon and I only released music from my home studio. I happily gave up the tours and all the bullshit that came with it.

Then she started pulling away from me. I started seeing that she's growing thinner and small. She began to push me away and I know her like fuck. Something is bothering her and I need to man up and find out.

She packed to her own bedroom and we began to fight over silly things. I began to fear and I definitely don't want to lose the best thing that ever happened to me.

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