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Saturday, 4 March 2017

The change 1

Dear Diary,

I've been crazily frail all my life.. I'm small and timid and almost invisible. I wish I can just disappear. I mean nothing to nobody. My mom died during my birth and my father always blamed me for her death. He was extremely devastated by her death.. She was his soul mate. I'd always wished i was never born. A life like this is empty and useless. The only succour in the house is my brother. Not that he's nice to me or anything.. But, at least he doesn't gaze at me with disdain like my father. Also, the click on the deep level. He's a song writer and I provide most of the inspiration for the songs he writes.

I also write deep shit music lyrics and he sells them.. While we divide the income. He's the only person that acknowledged my existence and I'm kinda useful to. I told him to take all the credit; i want no critical exposure whatsoever.

I'm a certified misfit. I fit into nowhere. Life passes through me. I live on medications and I'm steadily getting an education. I cannot withstand the stress and hassle of college; so I'm getting schooled on the Internet.

I guess I'm different from the normal people you see. Its Hard to fit in, hard to blend in, and so i just stayed away always. I'm hurt by the normal and so i decided to join in on the free abnormal train and there i felt among. I lived in a dark world of mine where no one who was supposed to love me ever bothered. I didn't exist for nobody and I learnt to accept it. I'm not wanted. I learnt that a long time ago.

I struggled to impress my dad, but nothing i did was enough. I even hurt myself in the process and all i get is more beating for trying. From my point of view, the whole world just had it in for me and what ever i did was never good enough. people always just had to complain or push me to the side.

I don't have any friends. Not at all. I guess my silent self always seem so snobbish. Because i could never figure out why nobody liked me. I see the world through a different lens; and since I was a young girl, Id opened my mind to a place beyond this world hoping that it would help me escape from the pain. Reading is my addiction. I wallow in the books and travel that fiery journey through world of books. I live and breath them. It was my only crutch. I always want to read.

Whenever I'm in the books, i am who i wished to be. This is the only world where i mean something. The feel of paper gives me the insane peace I need to fill my soul. The comfort i experience when I read on my kindle cannot be defined. It's my solace. I Then something macabre happened.

Every time i stopped reading, i began to feel withdrawn. Like I need a fix. Alas, reading wasn't enough. I need something else to fill my non reading time. Something all encompassing.


I lounged at the party with my friends. Fuck. This world is mine for the taking, but I've began to yearn for more. This celebrity lifestyle seems like the perfect one to most people looking from the outside. But it's hard too. A lot of pressure being the cynosure. I have to be perfect at all times, my silly mistakes are news and bull shit like that.

I stared at the parade of women circling my table and their faces blurred together. Ass. Tits. Big. Small. Fake tits. Firm tits. Slim waist. Curvaceous. Thin. Thick. Fair. Dark. Pretty. Not so pretty. All ready to serve me at a flick of my fingers. It's began to lost it's luster. I'm a certified Casanova and my I'm beginning to worry about me. When did I begin to get indifferent to women? Fuck. Fear filled me. I need to fuck 2 women tonight. I need to get my dick up and make it work.

I selected 2 women- i don't even give a fuck about how they look. I'm only interested in them waking my cock up. "Ben, I'm going up with these women.." Ben looked up at me with a grin. "Alright.. Take your time he said with a mad ass grin.."

I led the women to my private suite and immediately ordered them to strip. I'm not up for niceties tonight. Most of this women just want the fame of sleeping with a star.. That's all. The money doesn't hurt too. And since I'm going to pay for the service, why not treat them based on my mood? And right now, I'm not feeling too nice.

"Get down on your knees and give me some attention.." I sat on the big bed and they came at me like rabid dogs; all willing to impress. They slavered all over me and even turned it into a competition. I felt disgust fill me and shoved them off me. "Get the fuck off.." I screamed at them. "Get away with your fake ass moans.." I stood up and strode to the mini bar. Poured myself a decanter of Scotch and threw it all back in one gulp.

Fuck. I didn't even get an erection. Two women on me, and my dick was limp. Like Royally limp. I felt worry fill me and texted ben. He came up and immediately sensed my worried demeanour. "What's wrong bro? What's happened?" He glanced around worriedly.. "Where are the two women? I thought for sure that you'd be in the zone right now.." I just hugged him. He understood me without saying a word. Ben and I are best buddies. I've got the voice and he provides the song. He's my ghost producer and totally stays out of the limelight. I'm the face everybody See's. Most people just assume we are close. They didn't know he's got the craziest creative shit and writes them down.. I then sing them. He's deep as fuck.

The lyrics of our music bring grown men to their feet and i use to wonder at where the words come from. It's totally fucked up. We connect on a deep level.. He patted my back." What's wrong man? Tell me.." I didn't even know what is wrong. I just feel so incomplete nowdays.."Man, i need rest. From this life, the paparazzi, the women, all this shit. I need to disappear and rest before I burn out. I need to stop the drugs and reduce my alcohol.. I think I'm growing rabid." I left out the part about my No-erection. I mean, that's a dent on my fucked up ego.a

"Yes.. I'd been telling you. You need to relax and balance your life. It's not doing you any good. You being a Multimillionaire means nothing when you crash out. You need rest. Your life is getting too fast paced for even me to control.; and I'm the level headed one.." We laughed and I felt a lot better. When i started getting popular, My friends increased exponentially; but the real ones reduced drastically. I became surrounded by the trappings of a fake life and it's Ben who helped me break away from it all. If not, I'd have been overwhelmed by the fame and money and my life would be jack shit now.

"Let's disappear to my house for a week. My father's duplex is on the remote side at Abuja and we'd disguise you up for the journey. All through the airport and shit. I need a vacation too from this crazy lagos life.." He said. "Why not a vacation somewhere far? That'd be more fun" i pouted. A remote duplex. No. No.

"If we travel out, it's still the same. The booze, drugs and women are still there! You need an excluded place for a week. And don't forget paparazzi too. You'd be dogged. We need a total week of rest. And you need to bulk up.. You're going soft from all the enjoyment." I looked down at my stomach and chest. I even pinched them. Pure muscle. I slapped his head.."you're crazy!!..he burst into laughter.." I was just teasing you.. You're a body fitness freak.."

Dear diary,

The i discovered the all joyful feelings i was missing. I asked myself what im gonna do and then decided to take the easy way out.. I cut myself with blade. Just a nick. And found that i loved the pain. It's distracting and Delicious. It grounds me. Completely. The cut makes me feel good. I feel totally alive. When ever i sliced me, I feel like a living being. I lost myself into the new world of cutting.

It brings insane joy. At least I'm able to feel for the few minutes the cut is fresh. All emotions rushing in through the cut, and its like I breath in a new day. Addicted to the new rush it gives her what a life for the misfit. I love the scars too. Perfect straight lines; no bends at all. I'd run to the bathroom once i cut myself.. Then I'd rinse it off and watch the blood flow down the drain.. Red. Red. Red.. Until the sink starts getting white. And the water becomes pure again.

Then I'd admire the scars. They all have names.. Deep in my head. They are my mine. I created them. They are my reality. I enjoy looking at them.

This beautiful morning, i looked out at the darkened sky. It fits my mood perfectly. I woke up, excited to cut. Then I realized there's no space. My thighs and inner wrists are covered. No space. Oh my fuck. That's a bad omen. How can there be no space? I cant cut anywhere visible! If my father See's, it'd be another excuse to bundle me down to the psychiatrist. Trust me, I've been there a lot. And I hate the way they feel they can solve my issues.

I'm so angry! And then i realized that I ran out of space on my kindle for books. There's a new book I'm trying to download and this whole shit got me angry! I huffed out of bed and padded down to the kitchen. All this anger has built up a ravenous hunger in me. I pulled open the fridge and gulped down a bottle of orange juice. I wiped my mouth and bent over.. Trying to pull out the crate of eggs for a sandwich.

Who is this woman?! She just entered the kitchen and flounced towards the freezer like i didn't exist. She entered with such an attitude and rage. She pulled open the freezer and drank juice like a man! She then bent over. That ass. Perfectly heart shaped. Perfect. They looked so squeezable. My dick sprang to attention. Hallelujah!!! So nothing is wrong with my cock?! I patted it in joy.

I wondered who this woman is. Ben never told me about a woman he just mentioned a younger sister i imagined is still in secondary school. Or did his father re-marry?
She turned and our eyes met. She looked so shocked to see me. She dropped the eggs she carried and hastened out of the kitchen. Fuck. She's absolutely stunning.. In a fragile way. Her view wiped the thoughts from my mind. She's sexy in the most innocent way you could possibly imagine. And she wore nothing revealing.

Her features are so small and delicate.. Almost waifish. She's very slim and small, although with fully grown curves. She looked like a child in a woman's body. All the defiance melted from her when she saw me. Her hair was white and so beautiful. Which shocked me. Totally white. She looked so ethereal and unreal. I was almost convinced i imagined her. I'd never seen someone like that! She hit something locked up in me. I wondered why she rushed off. She was so shocked. I wondered if ben didn't tell her I was coming over.

She's absolutely perfect. And the most important one; She resurrected my dick. I need to speak to ben ASAP!
I ran to my room in shock. What?! Who is that? In our home? Is he a friend or a foe? I locked up my doors and sat on the bed. I didn't shove my hair under the net! I didn't wear a long shirt to cover my scars! Did he see it?! Oh my Fuck!

I didn't know someone else was around. My ugly hair! I searched frantically for blade. I need to Cut, cut, cut.
Where is the damn blade? A glint caught my peripheral vision and I turned. I saw it shiny on the window sill and i didn't even think. I'm spiralling into depression! The pain of this cut will ground me. It won't let me pass in deeper. I rushed to the bathroom and cut a long vertical line on the little horizontal slashes i made. The blood spurted out and looked so pearly red. I wanted to lick it up. The red entranced me and I felt like I'm being hypnotised.

I'd never made a cut so long and deep. I'm sure the scar will be gorgeous. A straight one against the others.. Looks like a multiple cross.. This were the thoughts running through my mind. I totally forgot about the intruder.

"Damn man.. You didn't tell me you had a gorgeous hottie in your house.. You been keeping secrets from me man.." Ben looked at me in confusion at first. Then his eyes softened.."Oh you mean Desdemona?.. That's my baby sister.. The writer." Oh my goodness. So that's the powerhouse that churns out my music? The one that makes everyone fall in love, hate and lust? Shit. She's absolute perfection.

"But I imagined she's a kid.. The way you talk about her..." He chuckled.."she'd always be a kid to me. We're older than her with 10years.."he trailed off. That makes her 22years old. Ripe for Eating.. But aside her innate beauty, something else tugs her to me.."Man, she don't look like you and your father..she's all fair and delicate looking.. And why's her name Desdemona? That's a rare name for an african.."

Ben sighed deeply.. He held my arms.."Her case is saddening.. My parents had me pretty late and then wanted to try again for a new child. They didn't succeed and tried harder. Anyway, my mom got pregnant with Mona at the age of 43.. It was an at risk pregnancy.. My dad pampered her and gave her full care. Well, she died during her childbirth as you know, and my father has always hated mona..

He believed she killed his wife. No matter how hard I convinced him, he saw no reason. He broke down her being and chopped it down. Right now, he doesn't even speak to her.. Seeing Mona gives him a lot of pain.. She's an exact replica of my mom.." He said sadly. "He named her Desdemona for the sorrow she caused him. I'd always hated that name..that's why i call her Mona.."

I felt so bad for her. What sort of burden is that? Carrying the guilt of supposedly killing your mom. I felt anger fill me at Ben's dad. And I'd always admired the man. What a fuckwad.

"Why is her hair white?" Ben's face became closed up and he said he'd lost interest in discussing about Mona. "It's too personal.. If she chooses to tell you, fine." He took me in a tour and we moved on to other topics.. But I couldn't get my mind of her. All through the day i didn't see her again and I wondered why.. We drove out and hit the clubs- where we might not be recognized. but I was distracted throughout. No woman has ever consumed my attention like this.

She's really touched something deep in my psyche. A gorgeous woman that.. Sexy and very intelligent; her music is crazily Sick. Like, sick... I've got to know why her hair is white..
Something bad in me wondered if her pussy hair is white or if she shaves too.. I love bald pussies, but if she got white hair down there, I'm Willing to love it too. I felt my dick begin to get hard as I imagined sinking into her white framed pussy.

We got back to the house and I was a bit drunk. I staggered to my room and crashed. The next morning. I saw her leaving her room, which is directly opposite mine i realized. Wow. That's great news. She saw me and almost ran back in. I fit my leg in the door and didn't allow her close it.. She looked so scared and shocked.. "Hello Mona, I'm sithe.. Your brother's friend.."she still looked at me in confusion. "Sithe? Sithe? Doesn't it ring a bell?" She shook her head no. Wow. She writes classical and awesome lyrics and doesn't listen to music?! In a very long time, I've not introduced me to anybody!

She looked so timid and lost and a heart i thought was stone; melted. She started to close her door again, and I knew i had to make my move now. "Can I be your friend? I just want to talk to you.." I have nothing to do anyways and I'm so curious about her. I have a lot of questions for her. She looked torn and I said, "please? Just for a moment?".. She paused and then inclined her head for me to come in. Her room is large and absolutely beautiful. Dark and deep...

Fierce art covered the walls and her room looked like something out of hell. It contrasted deeply with her innocent looking face. She's a puzzle i want to solve. An enigma.

She tapped me on my shoulders and gave me a paper.."I can't talk.. I'm dumb."

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