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Wednesday, 11 April 2018

Facade (Funbi's Diary)

Right Person, Wrong Memory
I survived the night, thanks to Sitzwe who is in this case stupid, he slept like a log of wood even as the rain brought in some cold breeze in the wee hours, he instead snored more without even waking to check if I was alive, it was more like God was acting exactly as my mom prayed.

I was the last to wake in the house, I woke to the aroma of bean-cake coming from the ever-busy kitchen, I was quite ashamed of myself to rise from bed at about 9:30 after all chores and other morning ritual had been done, I was in my soft robe, I brushed my teeth and did the regular soft washing before actual bath, Shade called that I come join in for breakfast. I got to the dining table still shy, I knelt to greet the grandma who was sitting on the chief chair of the brown wood dining set, she is a morning person, carried a good cheer as the replied asking of my night plus few motherly prayers. She consoled my laziness blaming it on the previous day's journey. Sitzwe owned an emotionless face, I could not dot his feeling to any actual thing, he sat staring at his meal and I wondered why I could not sit near or ask him as grandma had me sitting next to her. We ate in silence which was unusual, aside from the grandma who was engaging me in some talks; other parties seem quiet, creating a gloomy atmosphere, that vibration like something bad is about to happen, Sitzwe did not take any stolen look at me which was not normal, I thought it was me, I even perceived my armpit stylishly to check if I was wrong on the odour, I smelled well which further puzzled me, I focused on my meal after futile trials, I tried to squeeze some fun out of it, it was actually nice, well cooked but without the previous dinner charm.

I was informed we were going out, the only discussion Sitzwe engaged me in, he inquired if I will like to go and I obliged submissively (I cannot explain this), he ordered that I get dressed, I stood with a puzzled face, he was cold towards me, I did not have any explanation for his actions but followed his orders hoping the journey will give me answers.

I was again the last to join the family in the car, I dressed to impress again but got no compliment whatsoever, no one seems to notice my denim skimpy gown, Sitzwe seem digusted, like I was over dressed or something, I sat near him in front as he handled the Land Rover car, he used the central lock as I closed the door, the journey was quiet except for the talk going on the radio, the commentators began talking about rape and abuse, Sitzwe tuned it away from the station, tuned endlessly, nothing seems to interest him thus he switched it off after an awful hiss. This confirmed to me that something was definitely wrong. I kept quiet 'jejely' and pressed my phone (azzin I tweeted heavy)
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We got to our destination, I raised my head, it was a palace-like mansion, painted white, it had a very wide compound, something close to a plot of land, flowers were strategically arranged in the house, dogs of all types barking on top of their voices, and peacocks walking around, I wondered where we were, I could not ask the one person I am familiar with because he had become a stranger, I flowed with all the happenings, we greeted a lot of people, my observation later explained that it is the family house, the ancestral home of Sitzwe's maternal family, getting here; even grandma was kneeling for the elderly. Everyone seemed emotional especially when talking or cuddling Sitzwe, I noticed I was the only overly dressed person, I tied my scarf around my waist and hoped it did the magic. Tears began to flow from a lot of eyes, gloomy atmosphere, Shade was in tears, shuddering bitterly, grandma trying to be strong, she was collected even as she cried, her eyes red as burning coal, she was a crying fellow trying to be strong for others. I was still puzzled, I don't know what was happening but the sad aura compelled my emotional self to cry, Sitzwe did not budge, he had his emotionless face, it looked like a frown, he seems anxious, he posted a curious outfit, I wondered what he was seeking to see.

We walked to the back of the very large house, there stood a white little house amidst a very beautiful Garden, a mixture of yellow rose and huckett flowers, it was so calm a place, Sitzwe emotionless face began to cower, he began to carry a 'ready to cry place' - he looked worn out, could not help himself as he ran into the house through the garden, everyone left him to suit himself, he ran into the white small house, after 5mins; he burst out crying very loudly, Grandma gave me a non-verbal communication sign to check on him. I walked in totally frightened, 'what made Sitzwe cried could kill me' I thought to myself, even as I thought of this, I did not stop moving, there were clear signs but I could not stop for unidentified reasons. I entered the small house and behold it is a mausoleum, housing two graves, my panicked, my legs were shaking, it was littered with freshly cut flowers and on each grave was a picture of two individuals (both ladies) smiling, Sitzwe went on his knees, crying uncontrollably, I was scared to even touch him, he looked so innocent crying, I moved closer, knelt behind him and hugged him from the back, he broke down even more, strongly to breath amidst the tears, he held my hand, water coming from every opening on his face, his eyes, nose, mouth except for his ears,
"These are my sisters," he said shakingly, he exhaled to weep again
I had no idea what to do with the situation, I did not picture seeing Sitzwe cry this much in a lifetime, it is a side of him that saddened me, I understood the reason for his reactions all day, It made sense at that moment why he wanted me around.

We were in the mausoleum for about an hour, his sisters died two years ago, his words were so limpid; I saw every pain each statement carried, he was angry and sad at the same time, they were both raped and murdered.
"The elder of the duo died after six days of ferocious vagina injuries and shock from the death of the junior, they returned to Nigeria to set their media company up, they were journeying to Abeokuta when tragedy struck, they were robbed, abducted and serially raped for days, Micah (the younger one) died in the gruesome, evil and heartless act. They were declared missing, the police interfered, they were able to locate the den of the perpetrators but unfortunately, the fled, the elder of the two was taken to the hospital where she later died," he explained.

He is visiting the grave two years after two years for the first time, he had been too scared to come but claimed to have found strength in having me around, I said in his eyes as he talked, tears dropping from my eyes profusely, I looked at the two beautiful ladies in the picture, both gap-toothed and carry the beautiful that seem to run in the family, it is a dolse of bitterness I am not sure anyone could get over from, it dawned on me that we all don't have it perfect, I could not even see beyond the facade even when there were signs. This incident is why Sitzwe is fuelled with anger whenever there is a case of injustice, it is why he is actually in Nigeria, it is why he is disgusted by the mediocrity of the Nigerian Police force, it is why he doesn't even believe in God. This has caused him a lifetime twist of faith. His mother has not been courageous enough to visit the grave, Sitzwe mentioned she has been psychologically disturbed ever since she drifts in and out of sanity, he mentioned how she toiled day and night, providing every slightest rand for his sisters to get quality education, I did not see all of this coming, I could not even tell if it was ok. I cried my eyes out, the one full hour in the Mausoleum preached some good life lessons to me.

We got out after time had consoled us, both with swollen eyes, members of the family came hugging, cuddling and another round of tears began, Sitzwe appeared too weak to cry, he demanded we be on our way.

The journey made me wondered why I agreed to come on the Abeokuta journey, it was a horribly quiet journey, the silence was so loud; I think it affected network reception because my twitter wouldn't just come up.

Getting home, I and Sitzwe went straight to the room, he closed the door behind him and started kissing me, very fast, rough but effective, I wouldn't say I willingly responded as I was not given the chance to, I remember I moaned anyway, that relieve moan, I am sure it was happening right, he squeezed my breast hard, I felt a sharp pain, I had mouth marinated in his, thus I cannot complain, he handled me manly, I began to panic, I wanted this to happen but this approach took me aback, I was pinned to the wall, every part of my small self was oppressed my him, he tore my dress open (the denim gown that I wore for the first time), I was still shocked at this when he shifted my panties, lifted me from the floor and in just one try; burst me open! OMG! The pain almost killed me, this dude totally forgot I am a virgin or something, he was doing what looked like a good job but without passion, it was surrounded around his pleasure, he was not even looking me in the eyes, It felt like rape.

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Sitzwe grinded on me continouly as he choked me, I was coughing and protesting helplessly that he slow down, all these fell on deaf ears, blood stains were all over my panties, he bruised me in a way that made me never want to have sex again, he even stopped kissing me, I think I saw death, he increased the speed, I thought my vagina will rupture, his veins so showing, he was sweating profusely, I saw a total stranger banging, he looked like a beast, I began to cry but he took no notice, 'HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE ALL THESE SIGNS?' - my toes began to cramp, piercing pain below my pelvic area. I out of fear for my life pleaded he cum, he got more reckless, I think that message got to him, I was loud and wondered why no one walked into the room, after few minutes of stroking, he flooded my vagina with his cum. He dropped me on the floor and walked into the bathroom where he began to weep again. I was angry and ready to fight until I saw him in tears, I melted and began my consolations again. He left me after he had a shower, his departure reminded me of the pain I was feeling, I stare at the mirror and I saw a stranger.

I have fantasized my first time having sex to be a momentum, it is nothing close, this experience makes me want to become a nun. I love Sitzwe but I hate the experience, it is taunting, Sitzwe did not apologize, instead, he drank himself to stupor and is now snoring, I am not sure his bad day is the reason for all this, I don't want to believe Sitzwe is letting out his frustration on me. This is worse than all my mom warned me about! I am not sure Abeokuta is a good idea after all. My mom is calling, I hope our words explore this pain I am going through, azzin I will like her to know what mess I am, I just want the end of today already. It will be a long crying night, let me get my mother's call before she declares me missing.

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