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Monday, 23 April 2018

Facade (Funbi's Diary) 4

Image result for image of a sexy painting girl
My dream of being a monogamist is floundering by the minute, the new development between I and Sitzwe is defiling even ounce of dignity within me, I had become an object of aggressive sex, this past weeks have been nothing to write about which is why I am distant from you, Sitzwe is worse now, he had convinced me that the Abeokuta charade was not a mistake, it is a newly orchestrated system for him to deal with whatever trauma it is he is going through. Sex with me is now a war.

I don't know what to make of this, I was eager to give to him all these he is snatching from me, I fantasized him inside of me even before he spoke to me, it is saddening that my memory of intercourse with him is some gruesome exercise, he will even give a roar-like noise lately when he is fucking me, leaving me to choke close to death, cumming is more from his soul than from his penis, more like he is relieving himself of a certain baggage. My below burns after each round of the mistreatment from bruises, I will cry bitterly afterwards, his folks did not sense my pain at all, I did not allow them to and yet, I blame them for not knowing what I am saying, his grandma is sensitive but she is with the overly righteous civil orientation of not prying into affairs of other parties, the space she gave was too much although it was the type I craved for from my mother, I needed her to be the Africa nosy mother who wants to know all, sadly; she was not, I was thus left at the peril of the demon that is in power in the heart of Sitzwe, I am tired of being the antidote for his wild manifestation, I just want a full sense of normalcy right now, my pussy is hurting badly as I write.

All these are not to say Sitzwe is all bad, he still has his tenacity to create lifelong moments, the sad thing is, he does it only when he is happy or light-hearted. A good moment he created for me was the visit to the Olumo Rock, he was wonderful as usual,  he is an effortless creator of happiness, he laced this experience with all sort of joy, it was a family thing, I enjoyed his grandma's analogy on everything we saw as we mount the proud-standing rock. I was educated on some sacred Egba history which the rock is part of, various warriors who guarded the empire with their lives and strength, the history of the rock being the fortress for the people in the 19th century during the intertribal war that lasted years, how they created rooms for themselves as an abode, how the rock gave warriors vantage position to monitor the enemy's advances which eventually led to the triumph of the war, the standing iroko tree that has its roots in the tree and its traditional representation, the beliefs and various school of thought of the prestigious Egba people. One who is not familiar with the grandma will mistake her for a tour-guide, she was articulate, did her explanation with so much enthusiasm, she took pride so much in the educating us, effusive but profound knowledge came forth in their torrents, she was so appealing, other visitors followed her lead even I was distracted for a while from the craze in my head, I was compelled to settle for the fun. We climbed the rock the ancient way, I doubted grandma's strength until I saw her fearless moves, I focused on my first climber's fears jeje! It was fun!

Image result for abstract drawing of intense anxiety
This ability of Sitzwe to make one happy will make any woman love him but this pattern of being an angel in the morning and a  demon at night is not worth whatever he thinks he is. It is Quotidian bullshit and my visit to Olumo proved it. The angel will grow less and the demon will grow more eventually!

We got to the top of the rock, 137cm meters high, I felt like a goddess as I took the view of the beautiful city, it was breathtaking, the mixture of the unapologetic old and the urbane Abeokuta wowed me (Egba kingdom + Abeokuta City), the aged red corrugated roofs scattered everywhere, the sun looking closer, the graceful Ogun river flowing like a silver chain amidst the forest on its way to the atlantic, it gave a glimpse of what it is to be God, the breeze was more generous than it is below, I felt like living there, one feel like a conqueror, the view and state of mind is worth the stress of climbing. The whole thing began to read meanings to me as rush of thoughts began to run in my head, 'this is how I should always feel with everything - I need to feel on top, in  charge and enjoy whatever I love, I am better up here than down there, I can do better' - These thoughts were swift but sensational, I linked it all to Sitzwe, I figured it was time RISE above the deadly situation, the meeting ended in my head when Shade invited me to take pictures, I smiled in the picture, not for any reason other than I have made a decision, oh my! you need to see my smile in that picture, it was so limitless, it was like a rebirth, even my age was enough motivation to walk away from Sitzwe
"wait o! Funbi, Ori e o maa pe ke! you are just 17 and you want to die abi?!" I said to myself.

Getting down, I told Sitzwe I need to be on my way to school right in that spot
"I need to leave asap," I said demandingly
He inquired why and answered by calling a cab, I asked him to bring my belongings
"Tell your grandma that I love her" I said as the cab moved
I simply called every member of my family to remind myself of how much love I have got already, it was a wrong way to leave Sitzwe but It is the best for me, going back to the room with him feels like walking into a grave. I called my mom and we talked a while, I cried because she spoke to me using innocent dialect, not knowing her daughter have soiled her hands, the guilt messed me up, she could not even see beyond my pseudo-happiness, she gossiped about my father's plan to make my 18th birthday a grand affair, "he even got you a car" she slipped the secret! These are news that should get me dancing but I took it indifferently. I got to school late that night, pleaded with Wunmi to pay the cabman as I was without cash, I had my bath and slept off knowing no one will defile me.

I stayed indoor ever since and enjoyed my company, Wunmi could not place it exactly but she was sure all was not alright, she has a guy disturbing her now and is usually away, I just hope she is not threading my path.

Sitzwe got back three weeks later, despite what happened; I found myself worrying about him but shrug it off using my ego. I saw him in the hallway, unlike the first day; I was disgusted even after three weeks of worry, he walked past me without a word, I did the same although with little fears! How can a guy I was head over heels to become an enemy?

We maintained the pattern of avoidance until two days ago when he came to deliver my properties which I left at his granny's place, he dropped it at door after I opened and took his leave,  I picked the bag, my clothes were intact, it was dry cleaned even my undies, it would have been a nice gesture of course if not for the glitch between us. Underneath my clothes were wrapped items, three well-wrapped gifts, the first had Shade written all over it, a framed picture of me on the Olumo Rock, the shot was perfect as it captured when I was basking in my conqueror realm, it was a thoughtful gift that made rivulet of tears stream down my cheeks, the second gift was from his grandma, a handmade knee length basque dress, sewn using the popular Adire material, it had a little note in it with the best hand-writing I have ever seen, it read

"I sew this myself using Shade's measurement, I hope it fits if it doesn't; you can visit for adjustments. Happy birthday in advance Olufunbi."

More tears dropped as the gift totally melted my heart, it also heightened my curiosity to open the last which I was sure was from Sitzwe, Wunmi entered the room, her presence seems comforting as I felt an unexplainable relieve in my neck area,
"Birthday gifts are coming already?" she asked rherotically, she saw the other two and was wowed by its thoughtfulness and depth, she professed her love continually for the heart that conveyed such love, she urged me to open the last, she posed her usual presumptuous nature, it came in handy, I opened the gift and it messed me up emotionally, a pearl jewellry, a necklace, and earrings, a white well-polished pearl, now the tears flooded my whole cheek, Wunmi was wowed, it meant so much to girls like us, a typical 100Level student best gift bet is a cake, in most cases, a cake you bought for yourself.
"Ore mi ti mu eja nla!" she exclaimed, her remark explains it all, you have to mean the world to a person aside your parent who gift you so generously, "who is he? does he have friends as nice as he is?" she asked teasing me, she is not aware what was happening to me psychologically and clearly did not care, my whole tears was interpreted as unspeakable joy to her. She urged me to try the dress on!! She needed to see and snap it.

I did wear the dress and wow.........
Image result for abstract drawing of an elegant basque dress

My exact fit, simply and well styled, details to all of my figures, the dress was a clone, it looked like one supervised by the best designers, it made me smile, I agreed without doubt that I looked beautiful, I stood in front of the mirror blushing, it was a mix of foreign glam and African essence, with the pearl piece added; I looked royal, I tied the scarf gracefully to let out the full African wealth within, such abandoned African elegance, you get to see this outfit on African women who are living deliberately, I felt so powerful. I picked it instantly as my outfit to the Yanga Cultural Paegeant which would later hold in the day. Wunmi turned into an instant photographer and did a session on me using her blackberry, she was in love with the all! She left to show her other friends the picture and that left me to my thoughts.  I decided to see Sitzwe.

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